There's a lot that's working well here. First and foremost, you've kept us in a particular moment in time, and made good use of description and sensory details. Secondly, the stakes are high, so the reader feels tension--we want to know if she's going to make it. Thirdly, there is a sense that you have a second level to this poem. You're writing about almost drowning, but I can draw parallels to other life struggles, and this fight we face in many areas when things are difficult. By keeping this in a scene that pits woman against nature, you're really bumping up against bigger themes. One suggestion I have is to consider how you might make the mood of the piece consistent with all of the elements. The music here is fairly upbeat, and doesn't match the tone of what's happening in the text. All elements should be working together to enhance the experience for the viewer, and to help create tension. A really nice piece overall.
oh my gosh. i guess didn't watch it with the volume on so i didn't even know there was music on it,lol! i'm definitely going to change it to fit the story better!!
Dear Devyn,
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot that's working well here. First and foremost, you've kept us in a particular moment in time, and made good use of description and sensory details. Secondly, the stakes are high, so the reader feels tension--we want to know if she's going to make it. Thirdly, there is a sense that you have a second level to this poem. You're writing about almost drowning, but I can draw parallels to other life struggles, and this fight we face in many areas when things are difficult. By keeping this in a scene that pits woman against nature, you're really bumping up against bigger themes. One suggestion I have is to consider how you might make the mood of the piece consistent with all of the elements. The music here is fairly upbeat, and doesn't match the tone of what's happening in the text. All elements should be working together to enhance the experience for the viewer, and to help create tension. A really nice piece overall.
oh my gosh. i guess didn't watch it with the volume on so i didn't even know there was music on it,lol! i'm definitely going to change it to fit the story better!!
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